226 - "Live the Confusion in My Presence" Psalm 23-26

God promises to guide me through the Right Path.

Whatever I walk through this season and even overall, You, O LORD, are guiding me on the right path to find You. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death.  There's such Mystery to this life.  Somehow, we've constructed stories of experience or morality or principled living.  There is a right path. God is leading us to know Him better not figure things out. No Greater Love. No other place to be.  May we find the Sovereign God in the midst of what tugs at our hearts.  Psalm 23:3. 

"Face the hard questions that life requires you to ask.  Gather with other travelers on the narrow road, pilgrims who acknowledge their confusion and feel their fears.  Then together, live those questions in My Presence." 66LL.  O, to find Him in our struggles and not let the bad things define us. 

PHOTO: The San Antonio Missions. A watercourse.

225 - "Come Quickly" Psalm 19-22

                         

Some trust in chariots and some in horses,
    but we trust in the name of the Lord our God.
8 They are brought to their knees and fall,
    but we rise up and stand firm.
9 Lord, give victory to the king!
    Answer us when we call!
                Psalm 20

The news came unexpected today.
It's over our heads.
We're between a rock and a hard place.
We know not what to do.
Overwhelmed.
We will rise up.
We will stand firm.
By Your Mighty Power.
Because it is not within me to move forward on this.
This is David speaking.
He knew what it meant to embrace loss.
And we have lost something really big today.
Rise up, o my soul.
Stand firm, and see the salvation of God redeem my heart.

DEAR GOD:  PLEASE CHANGE ME IN THIS ONE OF 10,000 MOMENTS THAT MUST NOT DEFINE ME.  Help me to let go of how I think things should be, how things should fall, how things should play out. Give us Grace to face this rough patch.   not be far from me,
    for trouble is near
    and there is no one to help.

Psalm 22:11

My heart melts like wax. 

Do not be far from me. 

You are my strength. 

Come Quickly!

224 - "My World May Not Recognize Me But My God Does" Psalm 17-18

                                                               

On our way to these mountains in Seattle this weekend. A dark night of the soul within. A great joy of the day without. Confusion. Sadness. Aloneness. Yet, I am doing really fine because my God holds me tight. He is my main stay. He is working on my behalf. Illuminating my path. In those dark nights of the soul, those 3:00am awakenings, it is God visiting my soul by darkness, by night. Psa 17:3. In those dark nights of the soul, we will be satisfied with Your Likeness when we awake. As for me... Awake, o my soul! Psa 17:15. What would it mean to behold your Face in righteousness in the midst of these thoughts that I hold. My world is crumbling and my God will so hold me together and all that concerns me. The LORD was/is my stay.

God brought me forth into a broad place where I can stand without having to wonder. He rescued me because He delights in me---maybe my world does not, He does! And I believe that! Psa 18:19. My God is illuminating all of my darkness. Psa 18:29. I may not see a lot happening this very day but as I reflect back, so much has changed. Change takes time. Doesn't happen overnight. My dark patches, incomprehensible shadows will be made clear one day. Until then, I trust smack dab in the middle of confusion, disconcerting news, and a world that has no place for me. But I am here to live, to love, to give, to move. I no longer need my world to come through for me. ~ Acts 20:24. 

God fills us all. Fills all those empty spaces. You know, He is looking for empty spaces today. John of the Cross said it this way: The Spirit of God cannot pass a soul with empty places without filling it with Himself. Search and find Him---He is here.He brought me forth into a broad place where I can stand without having to wonder. He rescued me because He delights in me---maybe my world does not, He does! And I believe that! Psa 18:19

PHOTO: Mount Rainier.

223 - "Expect Your Theological Boxes To Explode" Psalm 15-16

O Lord, who shall sojourn in your tent? Who shall dwell on your holy hill? Psalm 15:1 David pleads to God for mercy, for help. All our world depends on this. Beg for directions. to know what it takes "to be" and "to do" His will. Walk blameless - is it possible. Do what is right - it is possible, only in His Power.  Let me not barter for Anything Else to enlighten me. You have not forgotten. You see this thing that is happening to me. I will bless the LORD Who has counseled me. O God, please let my mind instruct me even this night. Because You are at my right hand, I will not be shaken in what comes my way.  "Expect your theological boxes to explode, to lose all false hope in what My Love will provide in this life. We've built these thoughts that life should happen a certain way. And what happens when it doesn't? May we be shaken and stirred to find this new way of thinking. The abandoned life to Christ. Because He is God and we are not." 

You make known to me the path of life;
you will fill me with joy in your presence,
with eternal pleasures at your right hand.
Psalm 16:11

The Captain of our soul.  There is a Guide in these verses Who leads us all the way.
The Traveler.  There is a singular person referred to in this passage:  me.  It is I alone who travels the path of life.  I make my own decisions.  No one makes them for me.  I chart my course.  It is I.  
The Path. It is a winding uphill road all the way.  Filled with hard things.  Filled with His Presence, if we only take Him by the hand.

The End.  Wandering pilgrims going home.  Eternal pleasures are ours. 

PHOTO: A quick trip to California to an unbelievable retreat for cancer survivors. They found me somehow. One thought I walked away with from Bob Goff: There are no titles to the chapters being written today. One Day you will know!

222 - "Sovereign Steps" Psalm 10-14

                                                      

A Doomed Star. 

We may feel doomed to a death we cannot stop. 

There is nothing that God cannot do with us to raise us up again to life. 

Alive to God! Psalm 9:13 - You lift me up from the gates of death. Providence.

 There is nothing in this world that can keep God from raising us up to life, back again, one more time. 

He raised me up 18 years ago when I felt all but left for dead. 

He raised me up 15 years ago when I faced my own mortality---cancer stricken.

 Cancer free. Today. You, O God, have raised us up from the dead over and over again. 

Sovereign Steps. Where there is sorrow in my day, enlighten my eyes.

Arise on the helpless! God, lift up Your Hand! Psalm 10:12 

I walked the long lonely corridor of further testing. Bob did too this week. Something was wrong. Helpless, I lay on the gurney. Arise, O God. Three random texts come in---- God is holding you. No coincidence as I sat alone in a hospital of thousands. Held. 

Make room in your thoughts for God - Psalm 10:4 

Wonder when there is no room for God. A prayer for God Himself to appear. 

To manifest His Presence and Providence in the affairs of my little lower world. 

Arise, O God, on the helpless.

We are not doomed.

PHOTO:  Free Copyright photos. Smithsonian.

221 - "Dark Night of The Soul" Psalm 4-9; Romans 2

Give ear to my words, O Lord; consider my groaning. Give attention to the sound of my cry, my King and my God, for to you do I pray. Lord, in the morning you hear my voice . . . Psalm 5:2-3. David wrestles through betrayal of his father-in-law, adultery, murder, betrayal of his son. David turns to the Only One Who can help him get over all of this. David knows it is God's Hand that has come down on him. David's heart throbs; his strength fails; his eyes are no longer lit. Psalm 38:10 David pants not for relief, recovery or resolve. David's soul pants for God. Psalm 42:1-2. David feels great turmoil still. Has God forgotten? "Hope in God; for I shall again praise Him, my salvation and my God." Psalm 42:4 When we are in the deepest darkest night of our soul, know this: We shall again praise Him. God is working in our lives through all the goings and comings. This beloved king has faced difficulties beyond measure. More than most see in a lifetime. David does not find answers to his cries. David finds Something Better. Salvation for his soul. David longs for the Great Captain of his soul not just for an anchor in the storms. No false hope here. It's the real thing. Father, may we long for what really matters in life and not just for the resolution of all of that overwhelms us. May we long for You in the midst of every storm, every conversation, every dinner, every walk, every daily duty. In all of our thoughts and intentions, may we seek You to be our Great Captain this day and forward. Ps 4:1 - Answer my Evening Prayer. Be gracious. Hear this prayer of my heart at the end of the day. Ps 5:3 - Now, in the Morning, I will order my Prayer to You and eagerly watch today. Ps 6:8 - The LORD hears the voice of my weeping. Ps 7:9 - Probe my mind and my heart and make me secure. 

 Doomed Star. We may feel doomed to a death we cannot stop. There is nothing that God cannot do with us to raise us up again to life. Alive to God! Psalm 9:13 - You lift me up from the gates of death. Providence. There is nothing in this world that can keep God from raising us up to life, back again, one more time. He raised me up 17 years ago when I felt all but left for dead. He raised me up 14 years ago when I faced my own mortality---cancer stricken. Cancer free. Today. You, O God, have raised us up from the dead over and over again. Sovereign Steps. Where there is sorrow in my day, enlighten my eyes.    

PHOTO: The full harvest moon shimmering on July 4 over all of our nation. Dark nights of the soul.

220 - "I Have Installed My King" Psalm 1-3; Romans 1

We open the book of Psalms. It's a Hand reaching out to grasp ours in the midst of our storms and tears and confusion and fears. I have assumed wrongly about life: I have wanted God to step in and rescue me from all my struggles with people and life. Relieve me of this oppression. Replace it with Rest. But what God did: He has used my Job experiences "to uncover a Rest beneath the struggle that no Anguish can destroy. The struggle with fear and pain will continue. Only in the storm will you know There is an Anchor." 66LL. This is not what my world tells me. My world wants me to have no struggles, no worries, no pain. If you do, people assume that you are: Not walking with God. Not trusting God. Not understanding God and His Goodness. Not in God's will. All of the Above. A friend said to me the other day: "Let's just be positive and trust God." Or, in other words: Let's just deny what is really going on. Ps 1:1 - Blessed is the man who doesn't walk in the counsel of his disillusioned friends but in Truth. Ps 2:6 - As for me, I have installed my King...I take Refuge in God not things working out. >Ps 3:3 - You, O LORD, are a Shield about me, the One Who lifts my head through t.h.i.s. PHOTO: The trees in front of Robyn's house in Pagosa Springs. Behind me, the San Juan Forest burning unexpectedly, uncontrollably, unnerving. Meditate on these psalms day and night.

219 - "Now My Eyes See You" Job 40-42

“Will the one who contends with the Almighty correct him?
Let him who accuses God answer him!”
Then Job answered the Lord:
      “I am unworthy—how can I reply to you?
I put my hand over my mouth.
Job 40:2-4
And God answers once again.
This time from a storm.

We are not prosecutors in this life of ours.
God is not the defendant.
He is the king.

May we learn to wrestle well.  This day.
With hands over our classy mouths.  
With hearts right over our clenched fists.
With heads held high over our cluttered minds.

I put my hand over my mouth.Where was I when this was created?

Not even alive.  Not even a thought.

"Then the Lord said to Job: Will the faultfinder contend with the Almighty? Let him who reproves God answer it.” Job 40:2
Job's Answer to his LORD is just beautiful and forces one to deal with those existential questions: Who is God and what is He up to in Job's life; in my life; in your life.  
Job's Response: Behold, I am insignificant; what can I reply to You. I lay my hand on my mouth. Job 40:4 "I will add no more."
"I have heard of you, God, by the hearing of the ear;
But now my eye sees You.  Job 42:5-6

Therefore, I 
Retract and I
Repent in Dust and Ashes.
When God comes up from behind and we sense His Presence
When God comes up through strangers unaware
When God comes up within and we know His Goodness,
When God comes up to surprise us to uncover His Goodness ...
and we learn that
We are not the Prosecuting Attorney.
God is not the Defendant. 
Nor does He need us to defend Him and
pretend that all is well even though He has allowed suffering.
"God extinguished all the lights that had been guiding Job on a pleasant path through life, in order to gain entrance into Job's heart with Light of His Presence."66LL  Are we mad that God has nudged us off the pleasant path?  There is only One Source.  There is only One Light.  We want God to undo all our problems and steer us back to that pleasant path.  But, God is uncovering His Beauty, His Presence in you and me.  So be it.  Amen & Amen. 

With my hand over my mouth.

"Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me." Psalm 51:10

PHOTO:  Tacoma, Washington. Standing on a garbage dump looking out over majestic mountains. 

218 - "Where Are You? At Your Wits End?" Job 38-39; Acts 28

And where were you when I laid the foundations of this earth?

What causes a man to repent?  When he hears the words of God?  When he humbles himself before the Everlasting to Everlasting Hope.  When he bows his heart before Divine Providence giving full sway.  When he sees with the eyes of his heart that God even provides prey for ravens---why not for me?  Job 38:41.  

God calls to Job to compare his little life with God's Everlasting One; compare the Omniscient God with his limited knowledge; compare the Mighty Power of God in the seas where we cannot find Him, with our limitless wordless power.  

From a whirlwind God speaks.  That's enough to get anyone's attention.  "Dress for action like a man.  I will question you and you make it known to me:  Where were you when I laid the foundation of the earth?"  Job 38:4.  Where are you, Adam?  Where were you, Job?  And where am I?

COME BOLDLY p. 201

"Be yourself exactly before God, and present your problems, the things you know you have come to your wits' end about."  Oswald Chambers could not have said it more fittingly for my life, this day.  Wits' end.  So, help me tie the knot and hang on.  Make us different this day as we pray to be strong and fear not.  "Say to those who have an anxious heart, "Be strong; fear not!" Isaiah 35:4.  

PHOTO:  Quarries Lake in Austin Texas.  Pondering this day.  Where am I?

217 - "Listen For The Sounds of God" Job 35-37 Acts 27

                                                          

It was the Sound of God that I heard 8 years ago 1/13/2006. Never have I ever been more persuaded and convinced by a very Good God Who allowed some suffering in my life that has turned into way more good than I could have ever imagined. Look at where I am today. That Great Divide was the best thing that ever happened to me. At the time, I literally thought it to be the worst. And I spiraled down into a depression that I never knew even existed. And my God showed up in my life like never before. When I told Beth Moore at a conference what had happened, she replied to me: Ezekiel 8:3. God has yanked you by the head of your hair and lifted you up. Go. And everywhere I turned, people would share with me Jonah 2:8. I'd turn the radio on and they would be talking about it. I'd go to church and it would be in the sermon: do not miss the Grace of God passing you by. 

Listen to the Sounds of God. 

Keep listening for the Thunder of His Voice, Job. Job 37:3. 

Job is listening but he doesn't hear---and he needs to ask himself why he is not hearing the Sound of God. We all need to ask ourselves today: do we hear the Sound of God in our lives? Elihu is about to hear That Thunder too. 

"It is no surprise that the Bible uses hearing, not seeing, as the predominant image for the way human beings know God. They can't walk around God and take God in like a cathedral or an artichoke. They can only listen to time for the Sound of God---to the good times and bad times of their own lives for the words God is addressing to, of all people, them." (Frederick Buechner, Beyond Words.)

And God speaks out of a whirlwind. To his child who lost 10 children. To his child who lost his health. To his child who lost his community. He sent a whirlwind not a spa. And God asks Job five dozen questions! "Who is this that darkens counsel by words without knowledge...Job 38:2; Where were you when I laid the foundations of the earth?" Have you ever commanded the sun to rise and the morning stars sang? What am I doing in this little life of mine? Do I live with the awareness of a very Present God holding all things together, even me. Do I live with expectations for God to show up in soft whispers to a broken world. Do I believe that the abundant life of John 10:10 holds expectations of my own thinking. This is A God Who shows up in a whirlwind to a hurting, broken son of God. Nothing soft about this. Help me to see the reality of what stirs in the Whirlwind of my own soul this very day. Give us eyes to see and ears to hear the Sound of your Voice from the Whispers to the Whirlwinds and all in-between. 

After all of Job’s suffering, God decides to speak to him from a “whirlwind” not a whisper (Job 38:1). Often, Scripture uses this violent weather system as a metaphor for God’s wrath or destruction.  

I am so quick to think that God is broadly brutally admonishing Job and destruction will be swift. Shame. Yet, God's speech reminds Job that God is the Creator who superintends all things. Everything is created, upheld, sustained, and restored by God. Rhetorical questions were used in the Hebrew culture by fathers leading their children to discipleship (Notes from Joel Muddamalle). 

PHOTO:  Stock photos. Free copyright. God speaks out of a whirlwind not a whisper.

216 "Better To Fall Into The Hands of God than the Hands of Men" Job 33-34

Oh, the Grandeur of what God has done on this earth and in our hearts.

Oh, the Arrogance at what we have thought we could have done better.

Job 33:13 ~ Why is Job complaining about what God is doing?

There are parts of this story about Job and his fair-weather friends that are simply so sad.  Here's a man who has lost his 10 children. Lost his good health.  Lost his community.  Job does not even have one child to console him about the death of the others.  There are no words in the English language to communicate the extent of this devastating loss.  No Words.  Instead!  An Accusation of his sin:  ~ Job 34:36 ~ It appears that Job needs to be tested to the utmost for answering and questioning God but that is not the rendering of these words. God shows "the Satan" which is a position not a person, that here is a man who loves God. Job loves God for Who He is. He has every earthly reason to give up. He has all of God to hang on to. Look at what is not being said: Job is not cursing God; Job is not asking for blessings. This story is all about restoration not about sin. And the words of David fall into play:  It is better to fall into the Hands of God rather than into the hands of men (Heb 10:34). Job knew that. He was imperfectly fully committed to God and God knew it. God treated Job with utmost respect and "personal sentiment"---Job is  "my servant." 

Why can't we fall forward into Loving Arms and speak our heart?  God will make us aright.  He will set us back on our feet again.  He will make all things new. Our God, this very moment, is knocking on the door of our hearts---a progressive move, Rev. 3:20.  Why won't we listen?  God is Powerful, Omniscient, and Good in our darkest days.  Trust.  How can we not?  To Whom else shall we go?  To What else this day?

The ears test words like the tongue tastes food. Job 34:3-4. Let us discern together what is right and learn what is good. May we all listen to words that matter for our lives. Job 34:29 "if God is silent" ... then what? What stirs in you as we read chapter after chapter after chapter about a man who lost his 10 children? Job is trying to make sense of his suffering. Suffering with no explanation. Elihu explodes cause evidently the older generation should make sense of it all. What's his pull? What stirs in you? I keep thinking about how Job and his wife lost their 10 children and I wonder what God is saying to Job in his silence? I keep thinking of a very old quote: "The first step to sanctity is self-knowledge." Job is wrestling with what is really going on inside of him. "If we stay within the darkness, stick close to the Cross, through death we will come to know the God Who reveals Himself in the process of dying and renewal." Something beautiful is happening to Job on the inside. We know that because we know the rest of the story. Am I staying within my own darkness, sticking close to His Cross, and dying to my pride and fears so that He may reveal and renew my spirit. Have mercy on us, O God! God is speaking through His Word. What matters more than listening and living. It seems strange as we read this story that Job's friends could not see what was going on inside of their hearts. God spoke directly to their hearts in those days. They had no Word of God; held no pages to turn. How far was Ur from the Garden of Eden? How many stories had been passed along since Creation? All we know at this point is the Creation Story, Adam & Eve, Cain and Abel, the Tower of Babel. And then, a righteous man, in a far off city of Ur. A man accused of saying "my wound is incurable, though I am without transgression." Job 34:6. Where on earth was the compassion of these men? I mean, he lost 10 children. We are not punished for our sins. And there is truth in Job 32:8 that it is the spirit in man, the breath of the Almighty, that makes man understand. O God, help us to understand, to know wisdom, for the place where we sit this day. 

PHOTO:  The Grandeur. Washington State. Where my husband grew up and found God. 

215 "I Am Just A Byword" Job 31-32; Acts 26

Every day God signs the skies.

His Signature. 

Job wanted to write his signature on his words to God.

Have you ever thought you were that right? I mean really right!  And more right than God.
Save us, God, from ourselves. 

Job visits the past: "when the Almighty was yet with me, 
when my children were all around me,

when my steps were washed away."  The devil gets us to live in the past or in the future. He does not want us to live in the present. God is driving out the evil from all of us self-swindlers. Job's signature wanes. Job stands tall against the enemy of his soul.  We look back into Job's story. Job is looking forward thinking that probably his suffering will not end but Somehow--- Evil will not win in this.

Job feels he is just a byword now.  Job 31:11 - "Now that God has unstrung my bow and afflicted me, they throw off restraint in my presence."  When we are "too much" for people, they throw us off, not willing to sit with those who have no answers.  Like all of us, Job is learning here that we are not the prosecutor nor the defender of God in dealing with our problems.  So what's the true point:  "Love seeks the deepest well-being of another.  If that requires suffering, then love permits and, sometimes, brings about suffering.  But love never allows more suffering than is necessary to achieve the well-being of the beloved."  (Larry Crabb).  Our stories stir others and whatever ripples out of them comes from their hearts of good or bad.  What will it be in our affliction?

John Bunyan writes that it is not the power of the pen or the spoken word but the very spirit of God Who changes us. "Nothing less than the Spirit of God" can make us praying women. Father, as we see Your Signature over the stories of our days, our lives, help us each one to ask for Your Wisdom and Your Power to for what it is that we face this present moment. Help us to be present and name what is not of You.  

PHOTO: The sun sets on Waco, Texas. It's the same sun wherever you live. But it sets on our stories from every kind of wrestle. This sun set on my aloneness---what will I do with it?

214 - Job 28-29

When the waters stir.  Here are the words of a man who has lost more than we can fathom.  A man trying to muster every ounce of trust in a Good God Who "has taken away my right, the Almighty, who has made my soul bitter."  And Job promises that as long as he has breath, he will not speak falsehood nor deceive.  My problem is not thinking I am righteous, I know I'm not.  Job was the other side of the coin. "I will not put away my integrity from me."  Job 28:5.  The last disaster that I was in caused me to question the motives of others rather than pursue righteousness and what was going on inside of my own heart.  Job may be boastful of his righteousness but he is falling forward in a direction where few land.  And he said: "Behold, the fear of the Lord, that is wisdom." Job longed for wisdom!  May it be the cry of our hearts in the midst of any mess.  Wisdom far above the price of gold and jewels.  Is that what I long for in the midst of my health issues?  Job did.  That a man could live with no reproach, in such enormous suffering, and not let go of his trust in a Good God! No words. 

Oh, Father, may we drink deeply from the words of this man who loved you so.  Job didn't believe that You owed him a better life.  He did think his righteousness should please you.  If only we all could see the depths of our sinful nature and how we use You.  All the while, you are empowering and enabling each one of us to become the men and women You have called us to be.  Grant us Grace to face the place where we live.

PHOTO:  Pensacola Beach, Florida. Credit of Flickr, Commons.  I've stood on this pier when the waves crashed just like that in my heart.  I've spilled tears here.  And I fell forward on a very Good God.

213 - "Hold Fast, my Righteousness" Job 24-27

                                                 

Called to the unbelievers in Ireland, he gave of himself even though some despised him. He did not allow their rejection to swerve him from his cause. Just found out from Ancestry that my ancestors are predominantly from Ireland. Fascinating. And St. Patrick wrote:

"Christ beside me, Christ before me, Christ behind me, Christ within me, Christ beneath me, Christ above me." (St. Patrick The Confession of St. Patrick).

No hierarchy in God's Kingdom.  No big people and little people in Job’s day.  We are all his brothers and sisters and mothers.  Not in the world in which I live! ... where I am not recognized nor sought after—-I feel forgoten and invisible most days ... but in God's Kingdom His Pursuit of me is relentless, inexpressible, incessant. Live to love not to be loved. Live to serve not to be served. 

Job isn't recognized anymore by his friends or his community.  Job's reply:  Job 27:2 “As God lives, Who has taken away my right, and the Almighty, who has made my soul bitter, as long as my breath is in me, and the spirit of God is in my nostrils, my lips will not speak falsehood, and my tongue will not utter deceit."  

Job 27:6 "Hold fast, my Righteousness." Hold fast, my Friend. As long as breath is in us. What is our hope when God cuts us off?  This we know, the Almighty is always doing us good, even in suffering.  Hold fast! Those two words mean a great deal to me. My counselor, Bruce, for 3 years frequently ended with “hold fast.” It’s what I remember. It’s a beautiful theme to live by. Hold Fast. I think of my bff Nancy who lost 18-year-old Drew in a tragic auto accident. That’s what she has done—-held fast to Him all the rest of her days. 

PHOTO:  It's one of my favorite spots on earth.  We are headed there on Friday. Clear Lake overlooking Mount Rainier.  And my heart h.e.r.e. overflows today as I bid my spot farewell and Turn Around to face some problems that I cannot articulate.  Overflowing with gratitude for I am more persuaded, more convinced, more oh-so-sure, that my God is fighting for me in Untold Unseen Ways

212 - "Can't Figure God Out, Then Give Up the Illusion of Control and Predicting...Discover the Freedom of Hope" Job 20-23

                                                         

"I go forward, but he is not there, and backward, but I do not perceive Him; on the left hand when he is working, I do not behold him; he turns to the right hand, but I do not see him. But God knows the way that I take." Such beauty from the heart of Job. Followed by a haughty confidence that Job will come out as gold. And it is that statement right here that Job will repent of uttering---that all his uprightness being tried by God will produce good gold. Oh, may we see what stirs within us. May we see what remains in our lives as permitted by a very Good God to drive me to Him as my Center, my Source, my All. God was silent to Job. The dark night of the soul. And Job continued to fall forward and sit before God in mystery. And Job is learning just like you and me to rest before God in trust of whatever He does.  Job knew way down deep that his suffering was not punishment for his sin that he could stop by living better. In our darkest nights, there is hope that awaits and invites us to love in ways we never knew. "When we cannot figure God out, we will give up the illusion of predictability and control and discover the joy and freedom of hope." Father, You never allow more suffering than necessary for our very best life. That's what the sages say. That's what I wrestle with. It's just hard to fathom how much as in the story of Job. Help this next generation to see things from your perspective. Help us all to live like this servant of yours who kept coming back to you day after day, wrestling with the deep things. 

 PHOTO: The place I went to wrestle back when I lived in Austin for these past 17 years. So many tears dropped into this quarries lake. 

211 - "My Redeemer Will Stand on the Earth" Job 16-19

So socialized to religion, to tradition, to authoritative friends, I couldn't question God when the bottom of my world fell out. These words. Points me to wrestle well with God. Job 19:25. I know my Redeemer lives and One Day He will stand on the earth. The most amazing thought. Back-and-forth dialogue between Job and friends and God. Shut out/ shut down. Job marshals the language of the court. He wants his words not etched in destructible books but engraved on durable stone for all generations. His good counselors were none. May we learn to wrestle real with God. What does that mean? Jacob knew in all his messy life. 

PHOTO: Lady Bird Lake, Austin Texas, where I contemplate how to wrestle with the God of the universe. We know the ending and He will stand here. He knows the way I have to take to get There.

210 - "Pain Unassuaged" Job 14-15

God numbers my steps: doesn't He watch over my every sin? It is sealed up in a bag. Fastened tight. Job 14:16

"Persecution so persistent would wear out the strongest," says Matthew Henry. He goes on to say: Does God destroy the hope of man in his own overwhelming personal pain? 

For now! You know, Job knew and believed in a God who would help and deliver him. But this disaster upon disaster was like it was too much for him to still believe that God was doing something in this. All his sins sealed up like endictments of how much he had done wrong. We look back on Job's day. We know truth in ways he did not. Job's depravity prevails here. He sees his God as going too far against him and his family. 

  
"The Lord must prevail against all who contend with him. God may send disease and pain, we may lose all comfort in those near and dear to us, every hope of earthly happiness may be destroyed, but God will receive the believer into realms of eternal happiness." Matthew Henry
Do not seal up my transgressions in a bag, nor note my iniquities in thy register." He doesn't!

Job's friends called his tears poured out to God "windy knowledge," Job 15:2, "unprofitable talk."  They went so far as to say that Job is doing away with the fear of God. Job 15:4.  Oh!  This father sits in an enormous enigma.  His pain is so overwhelming that he cannot see straight to God.  And, yet, his "miserable comforters" inquire if God's comforts are too small for Job?  May we hold our wisdom for we walk not in those moccasins. 

C.S. Lewis said that when pain is to be born, a little courage helps more than much knowledge from your friends, a little human sympathy means more than much courage, and the least tincture of the Love of God is more than all of that.  May we give away this day the Love of God.  Help us to reach deep to love deeply. 

PHOTO:  The view of the base of Mount Rainier in Eatonville.  A few tears had just spilled out.  Jesus had nowhere to lay his head.  He understands aloneness.  Job was so alone in this.  From the top of the world to safe in His Savior's Arms, still and alone.  

209 - "Though You Slay Me, I Will Trust You" Job 12-13

It was in the beginning of time that Job lived.

Not the wealth of stories that we have about God, Who walked the earth.

Job had worked hard to raise 10 kids and lead them well; He worked hard on the land.

Job's friend has no mercy on him.  Zophar tells a man who just lost his 10 children that he did not get what he deserved.  Job is not in shock, not disconnecting, ... No, the man is wrestling with his sin.  Job is asking God in Job 13:23:  How many are my sins?  Make me know my sins!  His deep heart-wrenching thoughts are coming from a good place in his heart yet some thoughts like Job 13:3 cannot possibly be from a good place:  "I want to speak to the Almighty and I desire to argue my case with God." Can we really argue with God?  So what's the point here?  There are both good and bad residing in our hearts at the same time. 

How beautiful that Job is leaning, falling forward, on the Almighty.  He knows his limits.  "Though He slay me, I will hope in Him, yet I will argue my ways to His Face."  Job 13:15.  There it is again.  Such Good!  Such Bad! 

And what touches me is that God calls us in this passage to withhold our judgment on man.  Let the Almighty judge Job, not Zophar, not me.  We are to move in love into people's lives, not trying to straighten them out.  Zophar believed in a prosperity-type gospel.  But the question arises even today.  If bad things happen to you continually, like Job, you must be doing something wrong.  What beauty pours out from Job's lips in the midst of his confusion and chaos when he says:  "I will trust Him," ...  No matter what God does---and here is a man who has suffered immense loss.  Job knows something of the Greatness of God that most do not.  Let us strive not to be "worthless physicians" (Job 13:4)  helping others with our platitudes of words and actions that really don't mean that much.  Let us say with Job:  I will trust you God in this present circumstance that I am in, this very day.

PRAYER FROM PSALMS

Father,Though I walk in the midst of trouble, You preserve my life. You stretch out Your Hand against the anger of my foes; with Your Right Hand, You will save me.  Thank you so much.  I trust that you will perfect that thing that concerns me this very day, these very circumstances You have allowed. Psa 138:7-8

208 - "Listen To Your Life" Job 10-11

                                        

What really touches those deep places inside of us?  
Oh, to have meaningful conversations that touch eternity?
Here's a man, desperate for God & community & grace & compassion.
His suffering is so great, he just wants God to leave. him. alone.   Job 10:20
Not the holy posture toward God we hope to have--- but it is where we all live at times.
"I will argue my ways to His Face."  And I can hear the sarcastic arrogance in my own voice.
Here are his friends offering him pat advice: you need wisdom, Job. Maturity! Job 11:6
Why is it we are all so quick to "fix" whatever is wrong. Why can't we rest!

Father, may we listen to ourselves this day, this trial.
May we fully be present in the pain not just pleasure.
May we see Your Hand humbling our so needy souls.
Help us today to love well, listen well, & suffer well.

"Listen to your life.
See it for the fathomless mystery that it is.
In the boredom and pain of it, 
no less than in the excitement and gladness;
touch, taste, smell your way to the holy & hidden heart of it
because in the last analysis all moments are key moments &
Life Itself Is Grace.
Frederick Buechner

PHOTO:  Small Group sitting on a dock on the Quarries Bay, Austin Texas.  Listening to our lives and what stirs within.  What stirred that day for me:  being passed over again ... what will I do with that?  Though He slay me, I will trust Him.

207 - "My House of Cards Collapsed" Job 8-9

Job 8:22 - "their house of cards collapsed."  C.S. Lewis talks about living in a house of cards.  In A Grief Observed, Lewis wrote that if my house collapsed at one blow, it was a house of cards. My house of cards collapsed 4 years ago with one blow only for God to take that house built on sand and rebuild it on the rocks.  Lewis talked about if his house was a house of cards, the sooner it was knocked down the better---and only suffering could do that.  "God always knew that my temple was a house of cards."  C.S. Lewis.

Job 9:13 How can mere mortals get right with God?  Job 9:20 God wins, hands down.  So what's the point?

 Job 10:2 "How does this fit into what you once called 'good'? Giving me a hard time---how is that good, God?  Job, like the rest of us, believes "God should relieve his struggles and replace it with rest. But God uses struggle to uncover a rest beneath the struggle that no anguish can destroy." 66 LL. Job's foolish understanding of the road to find real life is not right.  My understanding is what I have to deal with this day, this set of circumstances.  Foolish Understanding!  So throw the anchor over in the midst of my storm and it will hold true.  There is an Anchor in my raging storm.  I just want the storm to go away instead of a sure and steady Anchor in my mess.  Remember Crabb's quote in the First Love Letter---"You must now live between Anguish and Hope." 

What beautiful faith in Job pushing through his suffering.  Even his friend alludes that Job has small beginnings (whoever called thousands of sheep and donkeys and ten children SMALL?) and his latter days would be great.  Prophetic.  Meaningless to Job at the moment.  Job has not forgotten about God.  His flesh just doesn't want to face all that suffering.  I can't wrap my brain around losing all ten of my children on the same day.  Job says in 9:28 that he has become afraid of his suffering.  Wouldn't he be tempted with---what next?  It is a "land of darkness and deep shadows" for Job.  Even though he knows so much about God, Job recognizes that God passes him by and Job sees him not (Job 9:11).  And the same for me.  May we not miss you, Our Good God, passing us by this day in our suffering be it great or small.

PHOTO:  California. Who knocked down my house of cards?  God did.  And it was good.  Very good. 

206 "Three Terrifying Truths About Our Existence" Job 4-7; Acts 20

                                                        

My. Life. Has. No. Hope. Job 7:1-6. Are not our days like the days of a hired hand? How did Job get to that place? If his calamities were laid in the balances, his distress loomed heavier than his sin, like all of the sands. How do we measure what happens to us? Ten children buried beneath this hard life. Grieving. Now carrying sickness unto death. And a wife saying, just curse God. My. Life. Has. No. Hope. Who will say to God: "What are you doing?" Is there not anyone who can adjudicate? No Mediator? No Arbitrator? No Judge? Then, There is no New Testament. But wait, We know the Light. We know the Mediator. Hold fast. Hold us fast. There. Is. So. Much. Hope. "If I were going to begin practicing the presence of God for the first time today, it would help to begin by admitting the three most terrible truths of our existence: that we are 1. so ruined, and 2. so loved, and 3. in charge of so little.” Anne Lamott, Three Essential Prayers. Father, we are all so ruined by sin. And there is so much hope for that ruin for our Mediator ever lives. Father, we are so loved. And there is so much to live for even with ten buried children and I wince and weasel as I write for I know not that kind of ginormous pain. Father, we are in charge of so little. The fact that You do anything for us is amazing. Job could not remember his past---one of the greatest and holiest men on the entire earth. Seems like everyone forgot his past. Help us today to live remembering what You have done for us and how we got to the place where we are today. 

 PHOTO: The Quarries Lake in north Austin, Texas. I put Romans 8:38 on a slip of paper in this message bottle and laid it on the shore. "Not this p.r.e.s.e.n.t. thing can s.e.p.a.r.a.t.e. me from the Love of God. Was struggling with the loss of material things---didn't Job? August 2010 we packed up everything we owned and put it in a 10X20 Public Storage unit. Haven't opened the storage door since. It's been 14 years.

205 - "Unloaded of Everything I Worked Hard to Get" Job 1-2; Acts 19

Here is a man who was unloaded of every conceivable thing he had worked so hard to attain.  Yet, Job humbled himself under the hand of God.  "The Lord gives and the Lord takes away, blessed be the Name of the Lord."  Job 1:21.   

Job was honest inside and out, a man of his word, who was totally devoted to God and hated evil with a passion.  The most influential man in all the East! It was God Who said to Satan, "Have you noticed my friend Job? There's no one quite like him—honest and true to his word, totally devoted to God and hating evil."Again, Satan strikes---do you think Job does all of that out of sheer goodness?  Job 1:11 "But what do you think would happen if you reached down and took away everything that is his? He'd curse you right to your face, that's what."  God replied, "do what you want with all that is his."  So many people have trouble saying God causes evil but God invited evil to do a work in Job. 

The most influential man in all the East! And God asks Satan if he has noticed Job. And God says to Satan: “Do what you want with all that is his.” God invited Satan to wreak havoc on Job.  God knows something I know not. 

"When you stand before Me in mystery, you will eventually rest within Me in trust.  When you can't figure me out, you will give up the illusion of predictability and control and discover the joy and freedom of hope."  Larry Crabb. Am I really broken over my own demand for satisfaction in my life, my ideas of control, managing what God is saying to me, life on my terms?  If I live broken over my demandingness, I will live in gratitude and rest.  

PHOTO:  Unloaded of every person, every animal, every piece of wood, every appearance of health.

204 - "Seek The Welfare of Others and Speak Peace to Them" Esterh 8-9; Acts 18

You know, some of us will be known by many, some of us will be known by a few. Some in palaces, still remembering where we came from---a gatekeeper. Some in huts, still longing for dry and safe land. God will place us in notoriety or obscurity. Yet, it's not the locality that sets us free. Esther 10:2 And all the acts of his power and might, and the full account of the high honor of Mordecai, to which the king advanced him, are they not written in the Book of the Chronicles of the kings of Media and Persia? Whether God has graced us with an audience of one or one thousand, our mission is the same. Mordecai sought the welfare of his people and spoke peace to all his people. May we seek the welfare of our family foremost and friends. And above all, may we speak peace. 

PHOTO: Besides my four kids and their families, this is the family I have left on this Earth I get to see. 

Just spent the week with them. They are kind and fun and generous and so accepting. I hope with all my heart that I spoke peace to them --- they so deserve it. They have reached deep to always include me and Bob and our kids in their family circle every birth, every holiday, every celebration. Known and loved.

203 - "Everything Is Under Divine Providence" Esther 7-8; Acts 17

                                                                   

Oh, the grandeur of King Ahasuerus.  The epitome of treasures on earth.
And none of these riches will go with us.  Esther 8:2.  Not one thing.
Esther knew when she said "If I perish, I perish..."
She knew that she would take with her something far more precious than this life.  Her tears were for her people not for herself.  Esther knew.  Is there Something I am missing in this life that I clutch too tightly?

Divine Providence rules through the Book of Esther.
Nothing escapes God's notice.
He was preparing Mordecai to rise up even when the king couldn't sleep.
The king could order 127 provinces.
The king could not order one hour of his own sleep.
God forces us every night to rest, whether we want it or not. 
It is not our choice.  We are held in His Divine Care.
"That which will break proud Haman's heart willl not break humble Morechai's sleep." M. Henry.
Divine Care is written all through the script.
What do I not know this day of Divine Providence over my life that I must consider?

PHOTO: Colorado. Everything is in His Divine Care.

202 - "Is Your Life Going Well? Plan A or Plan B?" Esther 4-6

202 - Christianity is a social policy to make life better on this earth rather than a redemptive plan to make people better in this life. Is it going well in this only life you have to live?     

                                                                   

Huge Wealth. Stunning Splendor. Isn't that today's world. People want to be somebody on this earth. "Every man is master of his own house; whatever he says, goes." That's what the king ordered. Wonder why Persia didn't take the opportunity to return "home" to Judah. They "preferred the comforts a well-established secular lifestyle could provide." Sounds way-too-familiar! So they put pressure on the beautiful women to show up. That's not right. What about those of us with redemptive dignity who aren't glamour-filled---would we have made it in Persia? "Are they---or even am I---even interested in real holiness, in what You call holiness? Or are we mistaking tolerance and niceness and spiritual experiences for the deep change in the human soul that You desire? Most of us seem to think Christianity is a moral and social policy to make life better for people rather than a redemptive plan for making people better in this life." I am so grateful to God for His moving into my life in the midst of some suffering a few years ago to help me to really deal with deep change and let HIM change me way down deep as only He can. Ask my husband, my son who was still living at home, some of my friends, and they will tell you that I'm not who I was---and I'm on my face in gratitude. And I still have a long way to go but I have hope! So, like all of us, we sometimes ask Crabb's question; Is Your plan going well or not? What about about Plan B. Is it going well in my life, in your life?  His Plan A? Or am I wrestling with all those Plan B's that surprise me and crop up? Radical Repentance.`The Providence of God has raised you up to your story this day. Plan A. "For such a time as this." 

We may never live in a palace. We may never be called a queen. Does this kind of beauty hold happiness we know not? They were just as much at unrest as the lowly. Ahasuerus thought way too much of himself, his kingdom. There is such a compelling story in this book of Esther. To what end has God called us? Consider why He has left you where you are.

PHOTO: Grandchildren in Texas. Plan A? Plan B? They have no idea of the measurement of wealth.

201 - "God Has Left You Where You Are" Esther 1-3

 We may never live in a palace. We may never be called a queen. Does this kind of beauty hold happiness we know not? They were just as much at unrest as the lowly. Ahasuerus thought way too much of himself, his kingdom. There is such a compelling story in this book of Esther. To what end has God called us? Consider why He has left you where you are.

PHOTO: Words that explain my tears.

200 - "Left Behind in the Wake of Providence, Sow Seeds of Tears" Nehemiah 13; Acts 16

                                                                   

"Remember me, O my God, for good." Nehemiah 13:31
It's just too good to be true.  A surprising deliverance of God's people out of such terrible distress.  Most likely the author of Psalm 126 is Ezra himself according to commentaries.  They have just experienced what is penned as the "most remarkable captivity" in history to date.  

Psalm 126
The Song of Ascents---repeated twice cause it is doubly good.
A Calling to be thankful and it can be applied to our own lives.  Psalm 126:3.
The harps hanging from the willow trees are pulled down.
"Providence pipes to them, and they dance."  M. Henry
A turning again.  And the people "thought ourselves like men that dream."
Mouths filled with laughter.
Tongues slipping out singing.
Hearts full vent to joy.
Glory to God.
And some rejoicing is with trembling,
for they bear on the sleeve of their hearts the "grievances that were yet to be redressed."
We are changed in a twinkling of an eye.
Yet, we must work out our salvation with fear and trembling.
For no change is overnight news.
May all of us who have been left behind in the wake of Providence,
may we turn again to God to perfect our salvation. 

"The beginnings of mercy are encouragements to us to pray for the completing of it."
Come Lord Jesus.
The tears themselves are the seeds we must sow.
Sow in tears; reap in joy.
"Those who sow in the tears of godly sorrow shall reap in the joy of a sealed pardon and a settled peace."  M. Henry

Wherever we find ourselves as we close these New Testament words today, O God, have mercy on our  souls.  And may Your mercy be the beginning of great encouragement today that You are present and completing our salvation for each of us.  Do Your Perfect Work.  May we sow the tears we've launched.  May we reap the joy we know not. 

PHOTO: The full harvest moon outside our window tonight. The setting sun begins to close the pages on the Old Testament. 300 years will soon pass by. It’s a new moon. 

199 - The Sound of Rejoicing Heard Far Away" Nehemiah 11-12

 Remember me, O God, 

and have compassion on me

 according to the Greatness of Your Love. Nehemiah knew in his heart that he was doing a great work for God, brick by brick, little by little. What's so beautiful about Nehemiah is that his heart was broken for the things that matter. It wasn't for himself, his own suffering. His heart broke for the people and the preservation of their holiness. Nehemiah did a great work. Yet, not too long after that, Nehemiah finds the people not taking worship seriously. Personal Gain. Personal Peace. Personal Affluence. Nehemiah was sustained by God and kept on persuading the people to repent. And, he dealt with his own heart so beautifully. "And what stirs you most deeply? Is it advancing your plan for your life or My plan for My world? Is it finding a way to get your spouse to understand how abandoned you feel or revealig the character of My Son as you deal with your troubled marriage? Is is a concern to live as comfortably as possible in the immediate mess or to live out your calling to be holy in the midst of the mess? 66LL. Remember me, this day, O God!

"The sound of rejoicing in Jerusalem could be heard far away." Neh 12:43. They were so happy to be protected. 

PHOTO:  Taken in Texas on a friend's lovely farm. Rejoicing. 

198 - "Tender to the Word of God" Nehemiah 9-10; Acts 16

                                                               

Live in the tension. Revive us, O God, in your ways, the psalmist once said. “We will not neglect the house of our God.” Neh 10:39.  No hidden agendas in this crowd. All about advancing the Kingdom of God. Not about advancing own agendas. What stirs in me most deeply? Is it advancing God's Kingdom or my own? Is it about putting closure on these financial problems I have or revealing the character of God in the midst of them? Is it about getting people to recognize you, understand you, accept you into the "in" crowd or is it about revealing the Beautiful God for whom we live. 2,000 years pass and it's the same questons: Will you neglect the house of God? Will you neglect the temple of the Holy Spirit living in you? 

They were so tender to the Word of God ... they cried when it was read.
I just love that! And I so want that!
That I would cry more over the Word than over my circumstance.
And God said, don't grieve.
The joy of the Lord is your strength.
It is the strength that comes from knowing Him and His Word.
Make it your chief study again cause I need the Strength
that only He can give.  I just hit another low!